My therapist pulled out one of her medical books and I literally had every single symptom associated with PMDD

I am suffering from a condition called premenstrual dysphoric disorder ("PMDD"), which is most simply defined as a disabling mood disorder related to a woman's menstrual cycle. I am so grateful that I don't have any "serious" illnesses. However, this condition has genuinely affected every aspect of my life including my career, relationships, my body, and my mental health.

Looking at my life from an outsider's perspective, I have everything I could ever want including healthy and happy kids, a supportive family, a few close friends, a fulfilling and successful career, and a safe and comfortable home. But the reality is, internally, I'm in a constant state of struggle. I decided to write this note to try to give some insight into my life and educate on this condition. It's been a long and hard process getting to this point.

To back up, after having my first baby 12 years ago, I knew I was struggling. I had a difficult time adjusting to motherhood. It did not come naturally for me, literally from the moment I was ripped apart in the hospital and for months afterward where it seemed like she just cried and cried and cried. I felt like a failure and was not enjoying "every minute" like a mother is supposed to. I also struggled to balance a demanding career with being a parent. I went to counselling for a while and although there was no formal diagnosis of postpartum depression, I'm confident that is what I had and perhaps where my problems began. Despite having serious reservations, we decided to have another baby and along came my son almost four years later. The pregnancy with him was much more enjoyable for me and he was a wonderful baby. Nevertheless, I still struggled. I thought leaving my career and focusing on being a mom would help, only it didn't. Not surprisingly, juggling two kids, chores, jobs, etc. takes a toll on every marriage. More than that I felt anxious, depressed, unsatisfied and sometimes even angry. I wasn't the mom or wife that I wished I could be.

When my husband and I decided to separate, I went back to counselling. My therapist assumed, as I did, that I was depressed, grieving the loss of my marriage, and having trouble adjusting to my new life on my own. She prescribed me Zoloft and it was a challenge figuring out the right dosage for me. After about a year or so, I thought I had gotten through all of the hard adjustments and decided I could handle life without the medication.

A few months later, everything came crashing down on me. I was convinced that I was a terrible mother, and I was ruining my children. I truly felt they would be better off without me and would never even miss me if I wasn't here anymore. I felt like I had no friends or anyone who cared how I was actually doing.  I was angry, the littlest things would set me off. I felt fat despite working out constantly. I didn't feel focused at work and literally just dreaded every aspect of “doing life.” Nothing gave me pleasure and I didn't care about making plans. I couldn't picture my life in the future because I didn't care if I lived to see it. I often thought about how I was going to kill myself. I spoke with my therapist and came up with a "safety plan" - a written plan of what steps I needed to take when I was feeling suicidal. I came close. More than once. However, I worked my plan and then those darkest days would pass, and I would start to see the light again. I will never forget the day I admitted to my therapist that I thought I was bipolar - some days I felt totally fine. I had energy, was feeling successful at work, making plans to do things, etc.  Then, almost like a light switch, I could barely get out of bed, cried constantly, and the suicidal thoughts would consume me. I was having stomach issues, and the bloating made me feel "fat" even when I was working out relentlessly. In a joint therapy session my ex mentioned that for years my emotions were like a rollercoaster - constantly up and down. It was through those counselling sessions that we realized most of my symptoms, both emotional and physical, were related to my menstrual cycle.

My therapist pulled out one of her medical books and I literally had every single symptom associated with PMDD. She immediately contacted my doctor who confirmed it as well. While it was a relief to have a name for what I had been struggling with, I was also acutely aware that this was not something that was going away any time soon. Instead, it's on a constant three-to-four-week cycle. Approximately 5-7 days before my period, the hell begins. The physical symptoms for me include bloating, headaches and severe breast swelling/pain. Although the emotional symptoms are the silent killer. I completely disengage from my relationships. I don't care if I see or talk to anyone. I don't sleep well, am exhausted and think about going back to bed from the minute I wake up. I have brain fog, which impacts my ability to successfully practice law. I sometimes meet with a client and within a day have no recollection of who they are. I feel rage - the smallest things will put me into a tailspin. I feel like everyone who is supposed to love me is against me. Those feelings that I am not wanted or needed are most prevalent. I turn into someone I don't recognize or want to be around but unfortunately cannot escape.

Once my period starts, within a day or two all of the symptoms disappear and I am left with the heavy task of attempting to repair all of the damage I caused the prior week and chores/work that I failed to complete.

PMDD is exhausting and not something I can easily explain to people. If you tell someone you have the flu, or strep throat, they immediately understand, and you generally get a "pass" in life until you feel better. Trying to explain to someone that your monthly cycle is impacting your ability to live a normal life is a harder concept to understand. Even those closest to me who know about the condition, as much as they try, still don't get it. Having irregular periods also makes this condition almost impossible to deal with. Once diagnosed with PMDD, I went back on Zoloft and also take magnesium daily. Having a workout routine is extremely important to me - which is what drives me to get up at 5am to get to the gym.

Nevertheless, it's a struggle. Every. Single. Month. I try to consciously ask myself - are these feelings real or is the PMDD playing tricks on my mind, especially when I'm angry, depressed or ambivalent. Thankfully, the suicidal thoughts are further from my mind, for the most part.

If you take anything from this note, please try to remember this. You never know what a person is going through. Even those who seem to have it altogether may be having internal struggles and mental health issues. Instead of judging and making people feel weak or embarrassed for seeking help, have compassion. No one wants to or decides to be depressed. I do not believe a person would kill themselves for attention or to be selfish. Sometimes the pain is just too unbearable. Be kind. Reach out to the people you care about to check in on them. And listen, just truly listen to what they have going on. When you hug someone you love, really hug them, so they feel it in their soul. You never know the impact those gestures can have.

For me personally, what I need during "hell week" is compassion, an attempt to understand what I'm going through, an ear to listen even if it's complaining about nonsense, long tight hugs (but not too tight to hurt my boobs!), forehead kisses, reminders that I still have value which I will recognize in myself again soon, and that despite it all, I'm still a good mom and person worthy of love. PMDD does not define me but it's a large part of who I am.  And I am a survivor.

About the Author: I live in Syracuse, New York and the mother of two happy and healthy children.  I am an attorney, avid reader, and live an active lifestyle.